What is the best thing about the Chambong? Well, it enables the “rapid and enhanced experience of sparkling wine, ” and yes, therefore can help you “crush karaoke” or “fill the void” (basically the same thing). It’s even the result of a failed attempt to create a device for the prolific consumption of cannabis. But that’s not the best part of the Chambong.
The best part of the Chambong is the fairly lengthy, weirdly severe disclaimer. The company was created by three dudes who believed the four-ounce borosilicate glass contraption originally meant for weed could instead help cure the sickness of slow Champagne consumption. No surprise, since the device is sold specifically for the speedy intoxication, the disclaimer is long. Too long to quote in full here (and who wants to read those terrifying ALL CAPS sections anyway?). But a few important lines, lest you mistake the spirit and manner in which the Chambong should be enjoyed… (If you do, no worries, there’s likely a team of super-chill lawyers standing by.)
- A Chambong is intended to dispense champagne or sparkling wine rapidly into the body so that quick intoxication may occur.
When you describe a funnel with fancy language, it’s just far classier. Basically, you’re gonna get drunk fast.
- Use of a Chambong may result in the user’s blood-alcohol level, level of intoxication, and rate of intoxication to be high, and the user’s blood-alcohol level and level and rate of intoxication may be greater than they would be if the same amount of champagne or sparkling wine were ingested by the user without the use of the Chambong.
We’re not sissies sipping Champagne while our friends do the Lindy Hop. Chug or bust.
- The user accepts and assumes all risks in any way associated with the use of a Chambong, including, but not limited to, the risks of drowning or choking, and the risk of becoming intoxicated and all risks in any way associated with intoxication, including injury and death.
Funny, no mention of the most likely risk associated with use of the Chambong: the unapologetic waste of Champagne.
- The risks and the inability to fully appreciate the risks associated with the application or use of a Chambong increase as the user’s level of intoxication increases, and a user may become extremely intoxicated and not realize it.
If only Zima had been this honest. Also, “we made a device to get you drunk quickly, meaning the device may get you drunk quickly, and you may no longer have the capacity to tell how damn drunk we got you. Quickly.”
- The use of a Chambong to dispense champagne or sparkling wine to anyone under the age allowed by law, and the consumption of alcohol by anyone underage, is illegal.
Nothing to worry about here. Seems like the Chambong is clearly marketed to the 50s and over set anyway.
- Chambong, LLC is not responsible for the over-consumption of alcohol while using the Chambong.
Guys, we just designed a device that could help you get intoxicated really quickly. We’re not about over-consumption. Be cool…
- Anyone consuming alcohol with the Chambong does so with the understanding that he or she is solely responsible for the amount consumed, and does so at his or her own risk.
We just make sure it goes down super-fast, bro.
- The Chambong will NOT be used to drink any alcoholic beverages other than Champagne or sparkling wine.
Cuz, goddamit, that wouldn’t be classy. (Also, they say nothing here about use of the Chambong with chocolate milk…)
- Under no circumstances will any person other than the user control the rate at which beverages are dispensed from the Chambong. The user will have full control of their consumption from the Chambong.
Because use of the Chambong is all about control. Nothing says control like administering a rapid-fire dose of Champagne. And no, Ted, I do not want your help with my Chambong turn. Though if you could crank up the Drake, that’d be super.
- Chambong LLC is not responsible for any damages associated with the consumption or over-consumption of alcohol. This includes, but is not limited to, damage to oneself or others, damage to property, and involvement in illegal activities during or after consumption.
No word on whether they’re liable if you decide to get a neck tattoo of Champy, the Chambong elephant logo.
- Chambong, LLC is not responsible for illness or injury associated with the use of the Chambong, including from use, misuse, accident, or otherwise.
Do not misuse the Chambong. Don’t you dare attempt to sip that Champagne slowly?
- Chambong, LLC is not responsible for illness, injury, or death resulting from uncleanliness of the Chambong. You are responsible for keeping your Chambong sanitary, especially if sharing it with others.
Likely, there’s a steep decline in sanitary concerns once somebody whips out a Chambong. (To be fair, they are dishwasher safe.)
- If you share the Chambong with others, you are responsible for enforcing these conditions of agreement with them.
Most Chambong parties actually start with a formal reading and signing of lengthy liability contracts. Hence the need to consume Champagne quickly.
- You will follow the instructions for the proper use of the Chambong provided below.
Because shooting Champagne is all about following careful instructions.
- If you sell or gift the Chambong, you will provide this Agreement and Disclaimer to the recipient.
What better way to prepare your loved one for some rapid drunkenness than by reading them an Agreement and Disclaimer.
PS – For cleaning purposes, “for stubborn, baked-on food, soak glass then use non-scratch cleansers and scrub pads intended for glass ovenware.”
Why you have stubborn, baked-on food in your Chambong is beyond us. Oh wait, no, we get it. You’re probably really drunk and decided to try to use your Chambong to make special brownies.
BY: Vinepair Staff