We’ve seen them all. In fact, at some point in our lives, we’ve even been them all. In this world, there isn’t one single persona of a wine drinker. Plus, situations change how people interact with wine. However, we can all agree there are definitely some personalities that stand out from the crowd…and they will drive you up the wall.
The “Heavy Red, Or It’s Not Wine” Drinker
Commonly known too many as your parents. If it isn’t an elaborately tannic Cabernet then it’s not worth drinking. When they see you walk in with a Sauvignon Blanc, they will probably laugh in your face. Remember, don’t let the haters get you down.
Pairs well with retirement and asking when you’re going to bring them grandchildren.
The “Think Pink” Drinker
Commonly known to many as the freshman you bought Pink Moscato for back in ‘05. Not to be confused with rosé drinkers, the Think Pink consumer likes their wine like they like their store bought cookies—sickeningly sweet and inexplicably pink. Many of these people never grow out of these habits and continue to drink what might as well be juice into their late forties.
Pairs well with cheetah print pants and making poor decisions on Tinder.
The Butter Lover
Commonly known too many as your drunk Aunt Susan. The Butter Lover usually has a lot of attitude because of how often they’re attacked for their wine choice. A Butter Lover swears by oaked Chardonnay as if their life depended on it. Seriously, it’s like they’re part of a cult. Save them.
Pairs well with pre-diet Paula Deen and a head-bitch-in-charge mentality.
The Box Believer
Commonly known too many as your lazy roommate that never leaves the apartment. After all, why should they when they have nearly four bottles of wine waiting for them on their nightstand? This person got tired of always going to the wine shop every other day so they invested in a wine fountain. We can’t blame them.
Pairs well with HBO Go and an absurdly large wine glass.
The Hopeless Romantic
Commonly known too many as the person who cried the whole time during [insert romantic comedy] and is waiting for “the one.” In most settings, this person can be found with a bottle of Pinot Noir in one hand and a John Green book in the other. They’ll probably tell you about their wedding Pinterest board and what they plan on naming their four children—specifically two boys and two girls.
Pairs well with a box of tissues and the Moulin Rouge! Soundtrack.
The Partisan Wine Drinker
Commonly known to many as the person who is a little too opinionated for their own good? They swear to only drink red/white wine and will tell you that anybody who goes against their mantra doesn’t know the art of vino. Let them whine. It just means more wine for you to drink.
Pairs well with a color-coded planner and a love for arguing just to argue.
The Heart Healthy Drinker
Commonly known too many as the Pilates instructor who you love to hate. This wine drinker tells people they should only drink a glass of Merlot for the health benefits. Sure, that’s all fine and dandy, but does that effect really count when they drink two bottles at a time?? Yeah, that’s what we thought.
Pairs well with Cheerios and hiding your wine in the shopping cart.
Commonly known too many as that guy in Whole Foods making a scene about the origin of a chicken breast. The Foodie is all about making sure there is balance in the meal. While it’s definitely commendable to go out of the way and make a match made in heaven, they take it a step too far. Just because someone wants to drink a red wine with fish doesn’t mean they need to be shunned.
Pairs well with biodynamic wine and a mediocre food blog.
The Soccer Parent
Commonly known too many as the loud parent on the side-line who needs to take a step back. The Soccer Parent is really open to drinking at any sporting event and will definitely stash a Malbec in a travel mug. The thing you’ll notice about the Soccer Parent is that the more they drink from their monogramed Tervis, the louder they get about little Johnny missing the shot at the soccer game.
Pairs well with high school football apparel and large SUVs.
Commonly known too many as that one friend who studied abroad in Europe one summer. The Traveler can’t imagine drinking a wine that isn’t from the local village they toured in Italy. No matter what bottle you open for them, with each glass they will manage to remind you that no wine will ever be good enough for our Traveler.
Pairs well with a lightly used passport and a suitcase full of wine.
The Wine Purist
Commonly known too many as the slightly older, heavily snobby person with a wine cellar bigger than most apartments. The Wine Purist doesn’t care if you’re favorite red blend is super complex at a great price. If it’s not Bordeaux or a perfectly aged Cabernet, it’s not worth their time.
Pairs well a smoking jacket and an obnoxious decanter.
The Drama Queen
Commonly known too many as a Real Housewife. The Drama Queen doesn’t care what wine is uncorked as long as there’s a lot of it and that it’s served in the largest wine glass you’ve ever seen. Bonus points if it can be thrown at their enemies.
Pairs well with ridiculous gossip and sailor-approved curse words.
The GQ Drinker
Commonly known too many as the cool guy from your office that looks like he stepped off the Tom Ford runway. The GQ Drinker is all about the wine having a classic label that compliments their outfit as well as a price tag to flaunt to the commoners. Appearance is everything, and to the GQ Drinker, it doesn’t actually matter if the wine is great, what’s important is the perception of it being great.
Pairs well with a German luxury car and a watch worth more than your student loans.
The Who Needs a Glass Drinker?
Commonly known too many as you after your big deadline/breakup/Tuesday. Not commonly seen in the wild, the Who Needs a Glass drinker is manageable until their lips touch the tip of the bottle. Once that connection is made, the limits they once had are all gone. Say a prayer and call an Uber.
By Jeff Licciardello, Vinepair