Answer by Kalani Tom, Creator of The Wine Code Wine App, Author of The Wine Code wine book, Wine Educator, Wine Consultant
- When presented with the wine list, reject it and ask for the Captain’s list.
- Browse through the Captain’s list with disgust and ask to see the regular wine list again.
- When the sommelier places the glasses on the table, pick one up and smell it. Mention that it smells like a wet dishcloth and ask for new glasses for everyone.
- When new glasses are placed, ask if they are the appropriate glasses for the grape you’ve selected … “are these Pinot Noir wine glasses or all-purpose wine glasses?”
- When the sommelier presents the wine, touch the bottle and insist that it’s too warm (or too cold) and ask what temperature the wine has been stored at.
- Insist the sommelier decants the wine for you, but make sure they decant it “to the smoke, not the sediment.”
- After you smell and taste the wine, make sure you say, “The nose is not reflected on the palate, that’s for sure.”
- After tasting the wine, ask them “what kind of soil were these grapes grown in?” Whatever their answer, nod and mention that you can detect that on the palate.
- Ask them if the wine was bottled on the estate. Wines bottled by the proprietor or (heaven forbid) bottled in cellars are deemed lower quality.
- Mention to your guests that the wine needs to breathe, but by the time the food arrives, it shall be ready for drinking.
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